Familyopoly: A New Game for People with Relatives

25 Nov

Happy Turkey Day!

This is rather a fraught period of time in the history of the world, if social media is any indicator. And for those of us suffering from Crazy Family Syndrome, it’s also a fraught period of time in the calendar year. I think we could all use a few laughs at other people’s expense, don’t you?

Some of Cushion’s long time readers may recall the first game I published to assist with this anxiety ridden joyful time of year. Imagine your day/evening/week together as a giant Candy Land-style board, choose your player piece, and proceed with caution. There are lots of pitfalls and traps out there.

(Disclaimer: the incidents described in this game are completely imaginary. Any resemblance to any family member of mine or yours, living or dead, is purely coincidence. I swear.)

 

Feel free to turn this into a drinking game.

START

The living room and bathroom are clean and the bedrooms are locked. Move ahead one space.

Your mom was supposed to bring the turkey over in the morning, but she’s not here yet. Go back to start.

She shows up with a bottle of Wild Turkey instead. Move ahead one space.

You both start drinking it before the parade is over. Go back two spaces.

Ugh, Ronald McD needs to retire.

Ugh, go home Ronald McD.

You go to the 24-hour Kroger for an emergency ham. It’s on sale. Move ahead one space.

One of the men stops watching football long enough to peel potatoes. Move ahead three spaces.

Nobody can agree on what kind of dressing to have, so you end up with four different kinds. Lose two turns.

Your sister-in-law brings a delicious appetizer, as promised. Move ahead two spaces.

She announces that the appetizer has to be assembled and put in the oven for 25 minutes on a different temperature setting than the turkey and then leaves the room.  Lose a turn. 

Your dad puts together the appetizer and serves it cold, and opens the wine. Move ahead three spaces.

Your Uncle Chaz makes a racist/sexist/bigoted joke. Go back one space.

You laugh at it. Lose a turn.

The butter ran out. Back to the store. Go back two spaces.

Grandma slips you a twenty on your way out the door. Move ahead three spaces.

Your baby sister tells your older sister she looks like she’s lost weight. Take an extra turn. 

Your baby sister offers to take her shopping for less dowdy clothes now that she’s smaller. Go back one space.

One of the big kids tells the little kids Santa isn’t real. Tears ensue. Go back five spaces.

Your aunt puts the big kid on green bean shelling duty and gives the little ones dums-dums leftover from Halloween. Move ahead two spaces.

The in-laws are sitting next to each other on the couch. Peacefully. Take an extra turn.

A running child knocks your wine glass on to the carpet. Lose a turn.

Mooom! Penelope won’t let me have a turn at the turkey rodeo! (source)

The wine opener is missing. Go back two spaces. 

The quietest husband in the group opens it with some kind of multitool that is always on his person. Move ahead three spaces.

The lone 16 year old hasn’t looked up from his phone for the last 49 minutes. Go back one space.

Your best friend calls from overseas. Move ahead two spaces.

Your dad starts fiddling with the thermostat. Suddenly you feel the air conditioning kick on. Go back two spaces.

Your uncle’s new girlfriend sneaks the 16-year old a sip of wine. He puts the phone down. Move ahead three spaces.

Your cousin is whining because the rolls aren’t gluten free. Go back one space.

Your brother cites a study from memory that offers evidence gluten intolerance isn’t even real. Move ahead one space.

Your cousin is now not speaking to your brother. Lose a turn.

The quiet husband leaves without a word and returns with gluten free rolls. Take an extra turn.

Grandad is actually wearing his hearing aids. Move ahead two spaces.

Right as you’re about to mention your upcoming promotion, your sister announces she’s pregnant again. Go back one space.

Your aunt wonders aloud why nobody calls her. Go back one space. 

Someone quotes a recently deceased relative and everyone suddenly gets choked up. Stay where you are. 

Your other aunt somehow convinces everyone to play Pictionary after dinner. Move ahead one space.

If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em. source

Your team wins. Move ahead three spaces.

Your favorite pie got eaten before you got a piece. You settle for pumpkin. Go back one space.

You go to help with the dishes and somebody’s already done them. Take an extra turn.

You look around, and everyone is laughing all at once. Move ahead one space.

FINISH

Congrats, Gerald, you’re the last man standing! (source)

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