Beauty Myths Busted

8 Apr

And now, back to your regularly scheduled superficiality. (You know, it’s really funny….I actually spend quite a bit of the day thinking serious, deep thoughts…but I rarely feel like talking or writing about them. This was recently brought to my stark attention when my dad commented that I’m very practical–not philosophical and thoughtful like my brother is. Wow! Never, ever thought of myself as practical before. It really goes to show the disparity between the way you come across to others and how you perceive yourself is gaping, especially if you are an introvert). 

Anyway, this actually is important. Sit down.

Someone’s been spreading lies again. There’s something about spring that makes everyone feel the need to re-beautify: perhaps it’s swimsuit season looming, or maybe we’re all just twitterpated. Whatever the reason (or the season’s trend), these perennial myths crop up every year like a bunch onion grass. Let’s root them out once and for all.

Men love a red lip

In an unofficial and unscientific survey, I discovered that it’s women, not men, who are attracted to bright lips. Dudes do like a little color on the smackers, but wearing anything “too bright is too much” in the eloquent words of my own dude. No guy wants to look like he was just attacked by the kissing wenches at the Renaissance Festival (unless he’s actually at the Renaissance Festival).

Cute and terrifying at the same time. source

Horizontal stripes make you look fat

Depends on how thick and where they are, but the vast majority of horizontally stripped garments are actually flattering (nautical stripes are my particular fave). And contrary to what the fashion mags want you to think, you do not need any instructions on “how to wear” them. (check out this stunner!). The most precarious place to wear stripes is the hips (on the other hand, if you could use some help in that area, go for it).

Do these stripes make my butt look big?

Do these stripes make my butt look big?

In related news, vertical stripes are still slimming, but let’s all agree to set a limit. I saw an outfit in this month’s Marie Claire that would only have been cute on a backup dancer in the video for a hip-hop cover of Jailhouse Rock.

Redheads can’t wear red (or pink, or coral)

I think Miss Jessica Chastain at the SAG awards this year finally busted this one once and for all with the pointy heel of her Charlotte Olympia pumps  (if Nicole Kidman in Moulin Rouge didn’t already do the job)—and that was right after JC got panned for wearing aqua to the Golden Globes, a color redheads are “supposed” to wear. And yes, this applies to red lipstick too, although…see item #1.

I’m basically pretending to be her for my role in Jekyll & Hyde. source

I mean, we're basically twins, right? LOL

I mean, we’re pretty much twins, right? LOL

No white (shoes or otherwise) from Labor Day to Memorial Day

I’ll be sitting here thinking that this one has finally begun to sink in, but then I head to the stores and everything’s gray, brown, and mustard. I think the problem is not that white doesn’t go with cooler temperatures, but that white isn’t associated with heavier fabrics.  White cotton and linen is classic, but let’s think outside the box, retailers. And no, faux fur is not the only way to wear white in the winter. I personally love the look of white denim year round.

orginally pinned by Blair Eadie // Atlantic Pacific

orginally pinned by Blair Eadie // Atlantic Pacific

Wash your hair every day

Even hairdressers agree—unless you have a super oily scalp, daily washing will really dry your hair and skin, not to mention the hot water you’re probably using to do it. And if your hair color has even a little – ahem – enhancement, it will strip out much faster. So at least every other morning, stick to the military-style shower: ‘pits and privates. (Lazy folks: rejoice!)

Shave only in one direction

Speaking of ‘pits and privates…not to get too graphic here, but hair grows willy-nilly almost everywhere on your body (excluding the legs below the knees for whatever reason). So if you want a really clean shave, you can’t just shave up. I bet many ladies and gents have figured this out on their own, but some people may still be holding out out of fear of ingrown hairs. Actually, shaving the same spot over and over is what increases the chance of ingrowns, which probably what you’ll end up doing if you stick to the same direction.

Slimming body wrap – no such thing

I saw a Groupon for these this week, and like 75 poor suckers souls had bought it. All these things do is suck the water out of your cells—temporarily. Basically just long enough to get you addicted to the short term results so you’ll buy the subscription package. The only people I’ve heard of who have seen lasting results are people on diet and exercise regimes, and—just a wager here—that might be more due to the diet and exercise. Having to fit into a tiny dress tomorrow might be the only exception, but I was pretty desperate and even I didn’t do that.

What beauty myths would you like to expose?


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