15 Ways in Which I am a 60 Year Old Woman

24 Jan

I did a terrifying thing today. I invited something like 75 people to sing karaoke with me on my 30th birthday.

A lot of you are thinking karaoke is the scary part of that equation–HA, not for me. Well, maybe it’s scary for the people who are listening to me, but not to me personally. No no, the scary part for me is the big party. I really love my friends, and I love getting dressed up and doing stuff. But a room full of people–even my favorite people–makes my stomach tingle and my hands sweat (or maybe vice versa.) Especially one I am hosting and therefore can’t back out of at the last minute with a lame excuse about the baby.

I’m getting way off the subject here. The reason I decided to finally bite the bullet is, HELLO, I’m turning three decades old and if I’m not going to have a giant party with everyone I know then, when is it going to happen? Live while you’re young.

Which then made me realize:  I think I’m not really young. Even before I had ‘ol Ten Spot, a.k.a. perfect excuse for old-fogey-anti-social behavior, my usual Saturday night (which I think tells a much more complete story than your “ideal” Saturday night) consisted of watching back-to-back past seasons of TV shows (on a DVD that I rented, no less) and eating chips n’ salsa. That would be the first way in which I am a 60-year old trapped in a 30-year old’s body. Here are 14 others:

  • I don’t like Google Chrome or Windows 7.
  • I use Revlon and Avon makeup. Not sure if this is really an all old woman thing, but my granny definitely used them.
  • I keep notes by writing them down. With my hand. Using a pencil. I also have a paper calendar that I carry around—my 70 year old boss and I have that in common.
  • I can’t hear whispers and I also can’t read lips. (If you have to tell me something in secret, best write me a note—in pencil).
  • I think baked goods make great gifts.
  • I keep a gratitude journal. Fine, I’ve been meaning to keep a gratitude journal.
  • I like Reader’s Digest.
  • My bedtime is 9:30. (However my preferred wake up time is still 10:30, so maybe that’s not so much an old person thing as a Rip Van Winkle thing).
  • Lavender is my favorite scent, followed by rose.
  • I read books in book form, even on public transportation.
  • I do not consider invitations received through Facebook to be serious (not saying they’re not real. Just saying they’re not serious.), and email is not an acceptable vehicle for a thank you note.
  • I really can’t stand automatic faucets. They never work! And I hate hand dryers. You know what they called hand dryers in my day? Paper towels! *Shakes fist*
  • I could talk to people all day about their babies and pets. And heck, why not admit it? Monopolize most of the conversation talking about my own baby and pets.
  • I use expressions like “geez,” “give a hoot,” and “what’s that got to do with the price of beans?” without irony.

What’s your internal age?

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