Top Three

15 Jan

The Bert Show (a popular morning radio program, if you’re not in Atlanta) did a bit recently where the host’s wife stood in for him in an interview of Mark Wahlberg, because he was evidently one of the three celebrities on her Hump Island. Hump Island is a magical place where you get to cheat on your significant other with immunity, given the chance, with your personal top three hottest celebrities.

This wasn’t the first time I’d heard of the island, but it was the first time I’d ever heard of it having influence in any realm other than the hypothetical. In fact, they got into a very real argument about (among other things) whether you can change the people in your top three based on the likelihood you’ll actually meet one of them. I realized I’d better put it in writing if I want to avoid such a disagreement in the future. (Kind of like a will?!)

Turns out that task is easier said than done. Lots of people are attractive but too old, or too young, or too inconsistent in their hotness factor for me to put on my list. And let’s face it—overall, girls are prettier than boys, even to the heterosexual female. I’d hate to actually get the chance with one of my top three, only to be like, ew. Nevermind. There were a few I had to sadly oust for just such reasons.

Johnny Depp? Oh, Johnny. Totally swoon-worthy most of the time, but you have smoker’s breath, possibly B.O., and I can’t deal.


Joe Manganiello? The uber-manly, I’ll-protect-you vibe abounds, but one careless bear hug and Janie crushed.


Jake Gyllenhal? Really adorbs IMHO, but I’m way over the jerk phase. (Thanks Taylor Swift, for taking the hit for all of us).


Robert Downey Jr.? I think plugging our ages into the creepy equation would produce the result of “ick.” Although the appeal may be entirely due to this picture.

Is there anything sexier than a guy goofing around with an adorable kid?

Is there anything sexier than a guy goofing around with an adorable kid?

Chase Crawford? Same as above, but the other way around.


So after all the hemming and hawing, I am hereby putting in writing my official top three. Should there be any questions over future infidelities my attorneys will refer you to this document.

Janie’s Official Top Three

Jude Law. The only person who springs to the top of my internal search engine when I enter “hot celebrity males.”


Peter Facinelli. I liked him back from Can’t Hardly Wait, so zip your Twihard lips. He’s cute when he’s smiling OR brooding.


The fact that he’s gotten a tad puffy of late would only help me feel less self-conscious. Actually, he kind of reminds me of my hubby! Who is not at all, by the way, puffy…I mean…aaahh….[insert foot in mouth]

Especially in this picture.

Especially in this picture.

Prince Harry. Not only does he meet my secret penchant for gingers, but I love accents. I bet he’s funny too. At any rate, he’s definitely royal.


Can I get a runner-up?

Christian Bale has been a favorite since Newsies days, but sometimes he looks downright gross. If I met him during one of those times, I’d have to take a pass. Plus, didn’t he hit his mother or something? That’s no good. But, sigh.


But there’s a few “hot guys” I just don’t get:

Ryan Gosling. His appeal is entirely due to the Hey Girl memes and every girl’s strong internal desire to be Allie in The Notebook.


Joseph Gordon Levitt. I really like him as an actor, but why is he suddenly on every hot list ever?



Daniel Radcliffe. My sides hurt from laughing at the sultry shots on Pinterest. Sorry, you’ll always be Harry Potter (translation: 16 years old).



And over here on Patrick’s Hump Island we have…

Blake Lively


Jessica Biel


Avril Lavinge


Isn’t it disturbing when you look nothing like anyone on your man’s top 3?

Who’s on your island?


One Response to “Top Three”


  1. Lazy Girl Fitness — Progress? | Cushion Cut - April 3, 2014

    […] As for now, the difference really is only noticeable to me (P says he can see a difference, but I think he’s just being really supportive. He’s always loved an athletic lady–have you seen his island?). […]

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