NAMB: A Mother’s Resolutions

8 Jan

Not Another Mom Blog is a regular satirical feature exploring all the vital, life-saving, keeping-your-child-from-growing-old-alone advice out there. NAMB: Because every mother needs something else to worry about.

It’s January! That time of year where we check our running tally of all the areas in which we need improvement. I know mothers are really busy—maybe too busy to make a proper list of resolutions—so here a few suggestions to get you started.

Resolution #1: Strive for perfection.

You’ve heard it said many times: nobody’s perfect. But that’s no excuse not to try. Mary Poppins was practically perfect, and she was just a nanny.

Resolution #2: Keep looking ahead.

What’s more important: planning the outfit your two-year-old will wear for the professional pictures you’re having done next week, or watching her pull everything out of the drawer with intense deliberation and assemble her very own “outfit” right now? The answer is obvious. Photographs are forever.

Resolution #3: Make more money.

If there’s one thing I remember from my own childhood, it’s exactly how many toys I owned and the annual increase of my salary allowance as a percentage of my parents’ take home pay. Don’t deprive your child of that experience.

Resolution #4: Make your child’s life as easy as possible.

Mothers who truly love their children don’t allow them to feel any pain. Yes, even if that means writing his college entrance essay or showing up at the school bully’s house in full camouflage. Bumps and bruises are perhaps inevitable, but emotional scarring doesn’t have to be.

Resolution #5: Put others first.

You really should have already learned this lesson as a little girl, but just in case you didn’t  it all comes down to a simple mathematical equation. Time has different values for different people. The people you take care of–your kid, your husband, your mother, your boss—have time with a higher value than yours. Don’t be selfish.

Resolution #6: Don’t be ugly.

Just because you’re following resolution #5 is no reason to let yourself go. If you can’t fit in regular gym sessions, pedicures, and careful comparison shopping for elegant clothing, you probably shouldn’t have had kids. (P.S. This goes for your home too, which is as everyone knows, an extension of yourself).

And that’s all there is to it! By this time next year, you could be looking back on the past year and congratulating yourself on all your accomplishments instead of strategizing a self-improvement agenda. Remember, most mothers aren’t failures. Just the bad ones.

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