NAMB: Good Grief, Great Pumpkin

31 Oct

Not Another Mom Blog is a regular satirical feature exploring all the vital, life-saving, keeping-your-child-from-growing-old-alone advice out there. NAMB: Because every mother needs something else to worry about.

Ready to destroy your child’s innocence

Never have I felt so justified in my decision to not let my child watch television until he’s 13.

This article opened my eyes to a real-life Halloween horror: Charlie Brown cartoons. Until this gentleman-scholar Buzz reminded me, I’d forgotten that the 1960s are over. The only thing that decade’s televised iconatry has to offer is a whiff of nostalgia for Gen X-ers, a.k.a old fogies. But for our tender youth, It’s the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown is nothing but a manifesto for bullying. And we aren’t going to take it anymore.

Blockhead. Stupid. Dumb. These sharp words cut like knives into the precious skin of our precious, precious children. Don’t believe it? Talk to any second grader the morning after watching this monstrosity of “special programming.” They’ll tell you of the nightmares—sparsely-haired kids eating nothing but PB sandwiches and biplane-flying beagles. I doubt the “It Gets Better” project would have even had to exist if our youth hadn’t been exposed to this pop culture DDT.

I’d also like to point out that the story doesn’t even have a happy ending. Dealing with  disappointment and having blind faith are not appropriate lessons for children. And how you can call a movie “family entertainment” without a wedding, trophy, or beloved-pet-homecoming at the end is beyond me.

The only sensible option is to ban it from the airwaves entirely and in perpetuity. I hear you offering your silly suggestion to simply not let your 3-year old watch it. That’s not a choice, because as everyone knows: if it’s a cartoon, it’s for kids, and if it comes on primetime it’s mandatory.

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