The perfect work environment

28 Sep

Do you know why the corporate world invented Saturdays? Because they discovered that five days is the scientific maximum the average person can put up with the standard office environment. The correlation between comfort of the office and productivity after 3:00 PM (1:30 PM Fridays) is a well-documented fact.*

With only a few minute adjustments, proposed here, I conjecture that productivity could increase by as much as 1/3 (1/4 on Fridays).


Foisting off unwanted caramel popcorn gift bags and half eaten boxes of Zebra cakes in the break room only makes people sluggish. How about a plate of cut fruit, including kiwi with no peel, available at all times? And some squares of dark chocolate, just in case.

 dogBring-your-dog-to-work day.

Want people to stop sneaking out early? Hold raffles at 5:30. Prize suggestions: movie tickets, Starbucks gift cards, trips to Barbados.

Replace the standard office-rimmed cubicle layout for scattered groupings of sofas and armchairs. Case in point: coffee shops have sofas, and everyone’s always busy in a coffee shop, amirite? Besides, ergonomic office chairs are a myth.CW67_10_96_1

A medicine cabinet with an assortment of pain-mitigating drugs. Over the counter of course! People with headaches are not productive.

Provide lightly scented lotion in addition to the ubiquitous foam soap. Hotel quality hand towels would be a bonus. So would a bathroom attendant.

Might I suggest…?

The fluorescent lights have gahttago. The warm glow of table lamps make people calmer, prettier, and less thirsty—all conducive to getting things done.

Switch to Charmin ultra soft TP. Need I say more?

*By “fact” I mean Loetell fact, and by Loetell fact I mean an exaggerated, imaginary, or patently false statement asserted confidently, thereby making it sound like a fact.


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