NAMB: Stride Wrong Edition

29 Aug

Not Another Mom Blog is a regular satirical feature exploring all the vital, life-saving, keeping-your-child-from-growing-old-alone advice out there. NAMB: Because every mother needs something else to worry about.

Hey, parents. Remember the piles of stuff you got before your first child? All the gifts from the shower[s], and all the major purchases you made yourself…the car seat. The stroller. The 4-way convertible crib. It seemed like enough stuff to last not only through the second child, but the second coming. But a year passes, and you discover there was one large purchase you didn’t anticipate, and which all your parent friends conveniently “forgot” to mention. That’s right. I’m talking about baby shoes.

Back in the day, b.k.a. the Golden Age of Infantile Footwear, there was one kind of shoe for people under the age of seven.

Let’s take a closer look.

While a return to hook-and-eye closures is debatable, there is so much to like about this situation.

Gender neutral – boys and girls wear the same thing

One style—No keeping up with the Joneses

No choice—So little Percival needs some shoes. Just head on down to the local cobbler and pick those babies up.

Bonus—These suckers last forever.

But children are different today than they were in 1888. They have needs. Needs like alternative closures, a personal fit profile, and Sensory Response Technology. What? Your child can’t even walk yet? Obviously not, without a self-molding footbed with contoured heel cradle.

Now here’s something worth dipping in bronze

The juvenile foot doesn’t have the capability to strengthen muscles and improve balance. Baby shoes, however, do.

Bottom line: without this shoe, your dreams for baby Mikhaylah to be a reality television star by 3 are slim to none.

You may be thinking to yourself, what must this miracle of modern technology be worth? I already have a second mortgage on the house, but I’m sure I could scrape together what it takes to ensure my child is flying walking by 7 months. Maybe I could hold a bake sale. Oh, little mama, there’s no need for all that! This shoe is yours for only $42.50. We even have some clearance shoes priced at only $31.99! You might have heard the lie that babies and children grow out of shoes in an average of three months, creating the necessity of repeating your purchase four times a year. That’s simply propaganda by the underground revolutionaries who are trying to bring back the Golden Age of I.F.

Also, I’m really not sure how your baby will be able to show his face at preschool without miniature Sperry Topsiders.

And to my baby-deprived compadres:

You probably did something bad recently. Ran over the neighbor’s cat, perhaps, or forgot to call your grandmother on her 81st birthday.  Might I recommend borrowing a toddler and taking them to try a few pairs at the nearest children’s shoe store, preferably during the back-to-school tax holiday? There’s no place better when a little self-flagellation is in order. (Next time, maybe you’ll make the right decision: lie to your boyfriend that you’re on birth control, so you can have a baby like a normal person. But that’s another topic for another time).


One Response to “NAMB: Stride Wrong Edition”

  1. GreedyFrog August 29, 2012 at 3:19 pm #

    I have recently been introduced to the expensive world of baby shoes. What makes it worse is that for a girl, your only choices are pale pink, bright pink, or glittery pink. And I have never been especially keen on pink…

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