Magic Wands

22 Aug

In honor of the secret girly girl mission that kept me from Cushion yesterday,  fashion and makeup are our topics du jour (sorry, boys. I promise to write a manly post next). To “make up” for yesterday’s slacking, I’m serving up a heapin’ double helping today. (Nothing says thank you like the new pink glitter Essie nail polish. Just so’s ya know).

Not long ago my friend and I were discussing a subject near and dear to many a female heart: mascara.

It’s the newest formula from Maybelline: Caterpillar Legs!

In sixth grade, I sat in a friend’s bedroom with some other girls as she assessed our eyelashes. (Why, you ask? Why do sixth grade girls do anything? I answer). While other sets were described with such adjectives as long, thin, curled, black, etc.; mine she decried as “short, stumpy, and of all different lengths and colors.”

That marked the beginning of my quest for perfect lashes.  An odyssey that has persisted past even those great priority- and time-sucks of marriage and childbearing. The rare day that I forget to put on mascara, I’m tempted to rig up my cardi over the bathroom mirrors at work so I don’t have to see the horror.

After these many years of searching, I’d like to tell you I’ve found the perfect specimen. But all I’ve discovered is that nobody else has found it either. A fact exhibited by the endless stream of new mascaras that hit the market every year, with their claims of effectiveness outshone in wackiness only by their names.

There are two categories of mascara names (I would love to be in the pitch meetings for some of these. Just think of the names they didn’t use!):

Could double as B movie titles

Examples: The Colossal, Curl Up & Dye, Phenomen’Eyes, Cannonball Ultra, Scandal Queen)

Might be shopping at Sephora, might be shopping at Insurrection

Examples: They’re Real! Lashgasm, Sexy Curves, Size Queen, Lash Fantasy, the Falsies, and my personal favorite: Full Action Extreme Effect.

Then of course, there’s always a few outliers: MAJOR major lash (A fan of Catch-22, perhaps?), and, no joke, EVERYTHING. (Is that anything like All The Things?).

The irony is that regardless of names or claims, none of them are all that different from each other.  I propose that instead of designing yet another “revolutionary” wand/formula/moniker, cosmetic companies redirect their efforts toward a mascara that doesn’t turn gunky in three months. Now that would be something extraordinary.


2 Responses to “Magic Wands”


  1. Nail DIY « Cushion Cut - August 28, 2012

    […] a charity fashion show (yep, dress shopping for this posh event was the previously reference secret girly mission). It was really fun, but the bags under my itchy eyes, frizzy-flat hair, and the weird outfit I […]

  2. DIY Makeup for headshots tutorial « Cushion Cut - October 2, 2012

    […] hold for 5 more. Pull all the way to the tip and hold one last 5. As you know, I don’t think mascara brand makes much difference, but a new tube always seems to work best. And use black—even if […]

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