Not Another Mom Blog: NYC Knows What’s Breast

14 Aug

Not Another Mom Blog is a regular satirical feature exploring all the vital, life-saving, keeping-your-child-from-growing-old-alone advice out there. NAMB: Because every mother needs something else to worry about.

Hey, I think breastfeeding is awesome. I breast fed, never even considered not breastfeeding, and I enjoyed doing it. Breast is the freakin’ best.

Good thing Mayor Bloomberg has finally realized this fact and is implementing some real change in NYC hospitals. Moms have so many choices to make on the arrival of their little bundle. Cloth or disposable, infant or convertible seat, whether or not to use gender specific pronouns…But there’s one choice mothers won’t have to make any more—bottle or breast!

Mayor Bloomberg, the world’s foremost expert on childhood nutrition, parenting, and health of all people in general, is also the father of this program that provides relief for those struggling with choosing soft drink sizes. Thankfully, size doesn’t matter with the Latch On NYC program. All sizes of formula will be kept under lock and key in special store rooms or prescription medication containers, to be signed out by registered nurses. It’s about time someone realized Enfamil should be a controlled substance. I mean, have you ever drunk that shiz?!

I know what you’re thinking. What if I have to put my baby in daycare in three weeks because I don’t have maternity leave? What if, due to infection, breastfeeding feels like sticking fire-hot pokers in my eyeballs? What if I take dangerous prescription medication? Don’t worry. Those are all myths.

But wait, there’s more! This regulation doesn’t stop at locking up the bottle. Call now and your order will include:

More room for your giant maxi pads and epi foam—You know those pesky swag bags featuring the logos of formula companies? The ones with useless free stuff like bottle brushes and insulated cooler bags? Well, you won’t have to worry about how to pack that in your overnight bag anymore!

Ad-free hospital stays—don’t you hate it when the nurse is leaning over you, and her Similac lanyard is all up in your face? Me too.

Eight more hours of administration, totally free!—now you and your doctor will get to come up with a medical reason for every ounce of formula your newborn receives during your stay! Sharpen your creative thinking skills and reduce sleep time.

Free lecture with every bottle—all your most creative medical excuse for your 2 ounces of formula will be matched with a totally awesome talking-to on how breast milk is better. Learn little-known benefits of breast milk, like how it makes your baby poop twenty-dollar bills!

Of course, the mayor knows that milk from a breast can only be drunk from a breast. A bottle is not a suitable conduit for the liquid gold that is breast milk. Drinking from a bottle turns your baby into a wuss, and will ensure that he never gets a date to prom. Thank God someone is finally doing something about this situation.  If I was 8 months pregnant right now, I’d be crossing my fingers to make it to September 3, 2012.

So seriously—what do you think about the Big Apple’s proposal?

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20 Responses to “Not Another Mom Blog: NYC Knows What’s Breast”

  1. singlemomontherun August 16, 2012 at 3:27 pm #

    Reblogged this on singlemomontherun and commented:
    Let’s hear it for New York!

  2. Notes From The Backseat August 16, 2012 at 3:29 pm #

    I think it’s stupid for a man to ever tell a woman what she “has to” do with her body… Are we cattle? Am I a dog being trained to use a “urine pad” in order to be housebroken? Call me crazy, but I don’t recall signing up for “ownership” when I got married or learned to drive.

    I’m sorry, but to me it’s another form of the abortion issue. I can, hypothetically, terminate my pregnancy for no reason at all and you can’t tell me what to do, but God forbid, I feed the baby however I want. So which is it? You can control my breasts but not my uterus? Why? Is there some logic I’m missing. Is it because my breasts are external? Cuz that’s not a very good reason, ya know. We should all start smuggling formula into the hospitals in NYC and randomly leave the empty bottles all over the maternity ward. Or I could walk around the hospital with my breasts exposed, so the milk isn’t too warm when the baby is ready to feed. I mean, for some babies temperature really does matter. Does someone else have the right to tell you what to do with your body? If so, where does it end? Can a rapist claim, “I told her to do it” and be excused? I think this is a slippery slope towards removing women’s rights.

  3. jackiewilsonlover August 16, 2012 at 3:39 pm #

    One more reason to avoid the Big Apple. Of course, in a nation whose citizens choose having Big Brother make all decisions for them while they paste the bumper stickers on their cars, it’s just a matter of time before mothers who eschew breastfeeding are placed on a national registry like sex offenders.

  4. Linus August 16, 2012 at 3:39 pm #

    I’m a fan…not only is it better for the kid, most women don’t realize that their little one is literally sucking the pounds off them…helping to get them back into pre-baby shape.

    Not only that, but if there’s one thing NYC needs, it’s more exposed breasts.

    • Naveeka August 17, 2012 at 8:49 pm #

      I totally agree to you Linus!

  5. Courtney August 16, 2012 at 4:03 pm #

    I don’t have kids, but the way I see it, it’s my body. Therefore, it’s MY choice. It’s no one else’s business whether I choose breast or bottle or a combination of both.

  6. Joy Victory August 16, 2012 at 4:20 pm #

    It’s really awful. While the soda ban seemed silly (people can just buy more soda, hello), this crosses a line for me. Mothers should be deciding this AND NO ONE ELSE.

  7. neonspndx August 16, 2012 at 4:23 pm #

    I love this. and I agree. What a crock of shit. I’m actually just tired of old white men thinking they can make decisions for the rest of us. I love the tone. I love the sarcasm. Way to go.

  8. J Roycroft August 16, 2012 at 4:26 pm #

    After discussion this with my wife and mother of two kids we both agree this is another stupid idea the govt has for controlling our lives. I wish we could be one of the parents that sits through a lecture on breast feeding. They wouldn’t soon forget that conversation. My wife began breast feeding but an auto accident caused her not to be able to continue. Government idiots…get the hell out of our lives!

  9. Margarita August 16, 2012 at 5:41 pm #

    I nursed my baby in NYC 25 years ago…on the subway, in the park, at the museums. It was a choice I made. Today’s new mothers are entitled to making that choice as well. While my opinion is that breast is best, I defend every mother’s, and father’s, right to choose what they feel is best for their child.

    As a NYC resident, and a non-smoker, I am grateful for the strong anti-smoking laws in our city, even though I feel there must be a way for smokers and non-smokers to coexist without legislation. Let’s educate our people so we are better equipped to make choices that actually benefit all of us. Let’s not legislate ourselves out of our right to choose!

    Thanks for bringing up the topic!

  10. mykidzmomnow August 16, 2012 at 5:54 pm #

    Reblogged this on South of the Fork and commented:
    I do believe breast is best. I am an open nipple nazi. And I don’t think the government should be paying for formula. Fact is, the majority of women can breastfeed. But it is NOT the government’s job to make our decisions for us and it is not our job to ask government to make our decisions for us. Applies to birth, nutrition, education, and EVERYTHING else.

    VERY funny post!

  11. theinveterateblogger August 16, 2012 at 6:48 pm #

    Hi Janie
    Unicef promotes exclusive breastfeeding children under the age of two for optimal development of the childs immunity, reduction of infant mortality and so on so forth. While it carries out these programmes especially in the developing world, the non breast fed infants of industrialized countries are at risk too and in the US there was found to be a 25% increase in mortality in such children. While the debate should not be construed as a women’s rights issue, since it involves the health of a child here, nor would it be wise to confuse it with the right to abortion (which is a women’s issue), unfortunately, Americans are so fearful of any thing that smacks of socialism, when the issue here is to make the government accountable for child care, longer maternity and paternity leave and other such facilities that aid the looking after of children. After all, if nations intend their citizens to reproduce, then they must put the requisite facilities in place. I’ve written about exclusive breastfeeding developments in Guyana on my blog, The Hot Pepperpot, http://thehotpepperpot.wordpress.com/2012/07/20/give-me-a-suck-on-your-julie-mangoexclusive-breastfeeding-in-guyana/

  12. Samantha August 16, 2012 at 6:57 pm #

    I don’t understand how people think that we are too incompetent to decide what’s best for our own children. When/if I have children, I would be appalled if the hospital told me I couldn’t have formula from the hospital while I was there. I know of women whose babies wouldn’t drink breast milk (I was apparently one of those babies), and so they have to feed their baby formula. They’re really hurting more than helping, in my opinion. As long as the baby is getting FED, who cares? Really?

    • GG August 17, 2012 at 2:20 am #

      There is a special bonding for breast fed babies. Do experiences it.

  13. Katherine August 16, 2012 at 11:42 pm #

    Although I’m a big fan of breastfeeding, the baby benefits in so many ways, I think that NY is making a mistake. A woman shouldn’t be ashamed of her choice, or embarrassed to ask for formula. Could a nurse provide an educational discussion about the values of breastfeeding and have the mother choose? Sure. But force her? That’s a violation of rights, in my opinion.

  14. murphymusthavehadkids August 17, 2012 at 1:00 am #

    Oh, for heaven’s sake. They actually call it Latch On NYC? You’ve gotta be kidding me.

  15. GreedyFrog August 17, 2012 at 8:04 am #

    I live in the UK where a similar program has been in place for some time now.
    I breastfed, so I was left pretty much alone, but some of my friends who chose formula were being pestered by the midwives and health visitors, and generally made to feel inadequate as mothers because they didn’t breastfeed.
    This drives me nuts. I mean, everyone knows the benefits of breast milk, but formula is hardly baby poison!

  16. Naveeka August 17, 2012 at 8:51 pm #

    It’s un-debatable. There’s no way in the world a baby can get as much and complete nutrition as she can from her mother’s milk. What kind of woman would that be to deprive her own child from this blessing.

  17. zankin August 19, 2012 at 12:25 am #

    Wow… this doesn’t even make sense, I can’t imagine something like that coming to fruition, was he drinking and someone kept throwing out bad ideas that someone from the press just happen to overhear?

  18. artlesspoems August 20, 2012 at 11:17 am #

    I don’t think public breast-feeding has anything to do with a child’s health and well-being; I think it’s an expression of the exhibitionist tendencies of the mother. Let’s call a spade a spade, shall we?

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