Not Another Mom Blog is a regular satirical feature exploring all the vital, life-saving, keeping-your-child-from-growing-old-alone advice out there. NAMB: Because every mother needs something else to worry about.
Hey, I think breastfeeding is awesome. I breast fed, never even considered not breastfeeding, and I enjoyed doing it. Breast is the freakin’ best.
Good thing Mayor Bloomberg has finally realized this fact and is implementing some real change in NYC hospitals. Moms have so many choices to make on the arrival of their little bundle. Cloth or disposable, infant or convertible seat, whether or not to use gender specific pronouns…But there’s one choice mothers won’t have to make any more—bottle or breast!
Mayor Bloomberg, the world’s foremost expert on childhood nutrition, parenting, and health of all people in general, is also the father of this program that provides relief for those struggling with choosing soft drink sizes. Thankfully, size doesn’t matter with the Latch On NYC program. All sizes of formula will be kept under lock and key in special store rooms or prescription medication containers, to be signed out by registered nurses. It’s about time someone realized Enfamil should be a controlled substance. I mean, have you ever drunk that shiz?!
I know what you’re thinking. What if I have to put my baby in daycare in three weeks because I don’t have maternity leave? What if, due to infection, breastfeeding feels like sticking fire-hot pokers in my eyeballs? What if I take dangerous prescription medication? Don’t worry. Those are all myths.
But wait, there’s more! This regulation doesn’t stop at locking up the bottle. Call now and your order will include:
More room for your giant maxi pads and epi foam—You know those pesky swag bags featuring the logos of formula companies? The ones with useless free stuff like bottle brushes and insulated cooler bags? Well, you won’t have to worry about how to pack that in your overnight bag anymore!
Ad-free hospital stays—don’t you hate it when the nurse is leaning over you, and her Similac lanyard is all up in your face? Me too.
Eight more hours of administration, totally free!—now you and your doctor will get to come up with a medical reason for every ounce of formula your newborn receives during your stay! Sharpen your creative thinking skills and reduce sleep time.
Free lecture with every bottle—all your most creative medical excuse for your 2 ounces of formula will be matched with a totally awesome talking-to on how breast milk is better. Learn little-known benefits of breast milk, like how it makes your baby poop twenty-dollar bills!
Of course, the mayor knows that milk from a breast can only be drunk from a breast. A bottle is not a suitable conduit for the liquid gold that is breast milk. Drinking from a bottle turns your baby into a wuss, and will ensure that he never gets a date to prom. Thank God someone is finally doing something about this situation. If I was 8 months pregnant right now, I’d be crossing my fingers to make it to September 3, 2012.
So seriously—what do you think about the Big Apple’s proposal?